Melancholy

I feel cold within. It felt like winter chills in my heart; filled with remorse. Well, it's not those sort of cold where you put on a jacket and everything will be fine.

From time to time, I do stand under the Sun trying to remember the warm fuzzy feelings I used to have with my friends; just to wonder whatever happened to my life? Perhaps, I've been gone for too long, walking down a lonely and miserable path.

As I grew up, my feelings grew more complex day by day. At times, I felt like I didn't even know who I was. Perhaps, if I start retracing my steps I might eventually know who I am? But, I've loss some of the puzzles of my life through denial.

I really tried being optimistic but it's hard to feign ignorance and put on a smile; no matter how bad things turn out to be. I am just 19, but I felt like decades have gone by as I was stuck in a deep slumber; where everything changed except me. It's as though I was excluded from the force of time; that nothing had changed for me. Having no past to look at, I couldn't help wonder, what happened?

Perhaps if I closed my eyes and open it again, it will be fine, you know, only Just A Dream.

I kept assuring people that there's a silver lining in every cloud. But ironically, till today, I have never set eyes upon mine yet. Life is filled with obstacles; well some are alright but there are those beyond my capabilities and I feel lost. I am tired of this life but what can I do? This life I am living is not for me, it's for the people around me; the responsibility that I have for my family.

I sincerely would have opted for an alternative given the opportunity but life isn't for me to decide since I lost my will a long time ago. For now, University life seem to be go fine for me; but no one knows how long it will last. This is my final chance and I really don't have any more alternatives or opportunities left.

Whether I will be a mediocre employee or perhaps a lavishly living entrepeneur or perhaps a repulsive beggar; it all depends on me within these 4 years. I hope that when I grew old, and if by chance I do get to come by this post, tears of joy will trickle down my cheeks instead of remorse.

For now, Au Revoir.

Steven